esotERIC by nature

1. NASCAR
2. Unhealthy food
3. Greed & Corruption
4. Bible thumping Repulicans
5. Fat, opinionated, foolish people

I hate humanity.

It’s times like these that I find myself truly missing that knowledge of “having someone.” Someone to help ease this pain. Someone who could suffer the way that I suffer, just because I am suffering.

I don’t know anymore.

This sucks. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to see her like this. I can’t handle it. Seeing her cry brings a pain that I can’t put into words. All I feel is pain. A deep, dull, heavy pain. And a strong desire to just die.

I can’t handle it. I don’t want to handle it. I don’t want to be here. Maybe that’s selfish. Maybe that’s cowardly. I don’t care; I don’t like this.

I don’t like any of this. The waiting. The agony of “resolution.” The numbing of dejá vù. The cycle that doesn’t seem to end anywhere before the last stop: Death.

I’m frightened. I truly am. And in my fear, I find myself experiencing a horrible paralysis that shakes me to my core.

I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have to do this. Haven’t I experienced enough? Haven’t I been through enough? Haven’t I lost enough?

I can’t seem to get a grip on my thoughts. They’re reeling out of control, with the central theme being some form of escape from this hell.

I thought that I was growing cold. On my way here, I was toying with the idea that maybe I’m just becoming emotionally unattached. But I see the truth now. I’m afraid.

I’m terrified of losing her. I’m terrified of watching her suffer. I’m terrified of watching her die.

Is that what has to happen? Do I have to watch her die? Does she want me to? Would it comfort her? Could I prolong this horrible closing act by disappearing?

Something tells me I’m wrong and right. Either way, I can’t seem to move. I can’t seem to shake myself loose.

I wish I didn’t exist.

So here I am in Toronto for the Anime North Convention. My day yesterday consisted of thirty minute border crossing, sixty minutes of driving, slight relaxation and food, and almost seventy minutes of waiting in line to get my badge.

Afterward, my friend and I went into the Dealer Room, where I proceeded to spend $115CA on the last 14 trade novels of Ultimate Spider-Man. SUPER GOOD DEAL! Everything at that particular stand was 50% off the sticker or American UPC price! So bad apples.

I am a HUGE Ultimate Spider-Man fan. It’s a return to the roots; a return to the Spider-Man that Stan Lee, Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko created. An awkward teenage boy who becomes endowed with spider-like powers. That’s why I’m so excited for The Amazing Spider-Man!

But enough of that. Back to Anime North!! Hopefully I find the third The Walking Dead hardcover!

I’ve been without a computer for quite a while; for a short time, I was posting from my cell phone, but that became tedious and annoying due to issues with bandwidth and random cell phone tomfoolery.

What’s also been hindering me is the fact that I write everything in my journal anyway. So I feel like a codpiece for writing the same “interesting” thing more than once. Like I’m so damn great that I need to show multiple people I’m deep, brooding and aware.

I dunno, I’m more than likely over analyzing like I always do. So I suppose I’ll get over myself and just write for you all. After all, there was at one point a reason that you cultivated to begin following me in the first place. Right? 

asdelicateasaheart asked: You don't seem to be posting as much these days, been missing your writing. :)

I will post again! Fear not, I haven’t forsaken thee… Thou?… Thee.

Life is sometimes annoying and busying. But I will be posting more in the future, especially after I purchase my computer.

Anonymous asked: Are you going to "The Beatles: The Lost Concert" movie premier in a few weeks?

Where? When?

I am super shy and it’s difficult for me to meet women. Why? I’m fairly attractive. I have a quick wit. I’m intelligent and interesting.

Somehow, all of that amounts to squat with the presence of a woman. I start to doubt myself, wonder if I have any pleasing qualities.

Is it psychological? Is it learned? Or am I just being a huge pussy?

For some reason, the site that I write articles for, regarding The Walking Dead, has yet to post my latest article, which I submitted last week.

Am I wrong for being upset?